“For them I wrote these fuckin lyrics on the back of a summons Wishin I had a big brother like The Game got big hundreds”- DJ Quik
What up Big Huey? How are they treating you in there? Last time i saw you, you looked good. That always helps me cope with where your at when i see you positive and in there trying to make a difference, save lives. God had a bigger plan for you than these streets.
Me? I’m good, i maintain. I know Pops and Peter tell you how im doing, i dont know what the hell they tell you, but im sure you hear about the jobs, the hobbies, the cars, the shoes, and everything else Pops be complaining about. lol. But i wish you were here. I miss you Dawg. Sorry i havent wrote much, i been so caught up in my life. Thats no excuse but its the truth. Im not proud of that. It’s so selfish of me. It’s the least i can do for the man that made me who i am.
Last time i saw you we didnt say much. It felt odd, maybe i was ashamed, maybe i was afraid you would be mad at me. Of course nobody let me speak, as if i havent seen my fuckin brother in 3 years, like i didnt need to talk to you, bond with you, know everything is gonna be ok. But maybe thats what i get for waiting 3 years. So maybe i will say now what i didnt get to say that day.
I listened to a song today, that reminded me of your absence in my life. And it hit me like a train. I could not run from it anymore. I know you told me to be strong for you. I know you told me to stay clear away from where your at. I know you wanted better for me. And i have lived my whole life secretly trying to make you proud. Only 2 people on this earth i wanted to be proud of me and i wanted to be like. My father and you. You two are the only men who raised me. That Dawson blood. Now theres Baby and lil wayne, Jay-z and Bleek, Jermain and Bow wow, but real shit we were that before any of them. You were my biggest inspiration growing up. Good and Bad. I wanted to rock all the new kicks like you (jordans, air max, barkleys, addidas), get the new whips like you, wear Red head to toe like you, bang Inglewood like you. have the lowriders like you, finish your lowrider and dip it down the shaw like we used too, I was envincible with you around. Maybe thats why my parents were scared of your influence on me. But you took care of me. Remember when you bought me the Super nintendo when my parents said i couldnt have one? Dad was mad as fuck at you! haha, but you came back a month later with the sega genesis. You spoiled me, you looked out for me. Remember when you saw me and my friends on market street and we were going to play street fighter II, and u pulled out a fat stack of 100’s and gave me one! my friends shitted there pants!! Remember when me you, and Morgan when she was like 2, we were all in the cutlass clownin on the shaw? everybody knew ur cutlass for battlin any ridah out there, inch for inch!! Thats why i always wanted to be you. I always wanted to be Lil Huey, Baby Huey.
I miss you. I try to hold back tears as i write this. Real shit my nigga, I am you. My style, my hustle, my desire for things, my attitude, my pride, my temper is all you. You taught me that. I know you aint proud of it, but its the truth. You taught me how to floss, you taught me how to roll thru the spot with the seat leaned back, i grew up immulating you. I just took it to another level without getting caught up like you did.
But i realized that i been trying to avoid for 14 years the pain i feel. The void left. Im alone out here. I wasnt alone when you were here. Nobody understands who i am, where i come from, how i got this way, where i get it from. Because your not around. Only you understand my thought, who i am, where i came from, what i was influenced by, because you showed it all to me. from music, to kicks, to style, to cars, you showed me how to do it. i watched you. Man i miss you so much. I feel so alone like nobody will understand me. Not even my closest friends, they never know who i really am. They never will understand who i really am. The day they gave you Life in there……It never hit me. I dont remember if i cried, i thought we could get you out. When your appeal got denied i didnt cry i thought i would be ok without you and i adjusted. But tonight………..I cry. It’s finally hit me, its finally coming out. I know your alive, your not dead, but your not here. I want you to touch the leather in the whip, rock all my kicks*we were the same size, i swear im your mini-me*, have the dope gear, see my place, see my business, because im all of who i am, and have all of what i have because of you. The good and bad. My crazy ass walking thru playboy crip hood (when i stayed with my mom out that way) everyday flamed up was because i felt fearless because you taught me that. You taught me to be proud of INGLEWOOD, you put me up on the streets, you taught me how to hold that gun and not be scared of it. You taught me how to watch my back and move in silence and below the radar. I wouldnt be alive thru some shit if it wasn’t you teaching me how to survive out here, how to avoid that heat, avoid slippin, and stay focused.
It hurts your not here, but i told you when they locked you up i would live my life for me, but do it for you as well. You could live life thru me, i will carry on the torch. I hope i make you proud, i hope your not dissapointed in all i have done. I know i made it farther than you. But i hope you know your with me, so you made it too.
Just tell me who has my back out here? who do i trust my life with? I feel so alone, i go everywhere alone because i havent trusted a person with my life since you went away. I dont trust one person that would hold me down in a fight, would take a bullet for me, or would give a bullet to somebody for me. That was you. You would bang on anybody for your lil bro, anybody!! Anybody would get dealt with that didnt respect me. You did that because you had a big heart, you cared for your family, your friends. Those people that think your a Monster for what you did, i hope they forgive you. But i always wanted to tell them the brother i knew, he wasn’t the killer they knew. Pray for me big bro, I know im gonna be alright its just so hard and empty without you out here. Im gonna come see you soon, because i need that hug. I need it so bad to know you still got me big bro. I love you Dawg…..I miss you Dawg…. I am you. I cant hold back the tears anymore, but im gonna be strong because thats how you built me to be.
Your Lil Bro,
Baby Huey (since i was 9)
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